By the time they discover it was the wrong fit, they feel it’s too late to think again. The stakes seem too high to walk away; the sacrifices of salary, status, skill, and time seem too great. For the record, I think it’s better to lose the past two years of progress than to wastte the next twenty…
– Adam Grant
A lesson in occupational and environmental wellness…
As an Amazon Affiliate it is policy to inform you that this is an advertisement. However, this is still a reflection of a great book that I’ve read many times over. I believe it would benefit any who may read it. You can find the link for it in my references located at the bottom of this page.
A gift and a curse…
The day we become convinced of our talent feels akin to a second birthday. You finally realized why you were born. You’ve found your way of contributing within reason. Your talent could take you very far in life, but only if you can grasp the notion of progress. An intelligent person does more than contemplate. They actually get out there and solve the problems. Not only do they understand how to think. They also know how to rethink. And that’s what we are going to cover today.
Those who are blessed with exceptional talent often suffer from the same problem; arrogance. Most mentors often find themselves needing the utmost patience once they’ve taken in a talented apprentice. Since they don’t put any thought into their problem solving, they never actually develop the ability to recalibrate themselves. They figure, “as long as I’m right, what’s the problem?” The problem is that certainty kills curiosity, which ends learning. The future is unpredictable, so one shouldn’t speak of the future with certainty. There will come a time when your beliefs will be challenged. If you haven’t already questioned them yourself, you’re in for a humbling experience in the future.
Talented, but weak minded…
Fools are quick to tell you what they know. In fact, a fool’s favorite thing to tell you is “I know.” During our conversation about crime, I spent a good deal of time defining the notion of stupidity. Stupidity is when you know when something is the right choice, yet choosing the wrong one. Being unintelligent is arguably worse. To be unintelligent can be defined as the inability to correct yourself regardless of guidance. The dumber you are, the smarter you pretend to be. Recalibration is impossible if you are constantly lying to yourself. Liars cost more money than they’re worth. Liars are liabilities.
Being correct doesn’t make you more intelligent than someone who’s incorrect. If you believe otherwise, then being correct will become more important than the truth. Sure, we are supposed to remain confident during times of uncertainty. But you can’t be afraid to admit when you don’t know what to do. Everyone will end up losing time and money. Only miserable people enjoy outcomes like that. Certainty kills curiosity. You’ll get bored and complacent thinking about the things you already know. However, you’ll endlessly entertain yourself contemplating the things you don’t.
A healthy sense of curiosity is not only the cure for boredom. It also keeps your ego in check. Just because you were right before doesn’t mean you are right today. You should always be prepared to be wrong. If you stick too hard to one plan, that means you are out of ideas. It’s admirable to stick to your guns. To be stubborn is to fight until the bitter end. But what if that doesn’t have to happen? Being wrong shouldn’t make you brace for impact. It should intrigue you. If you’re one of those people who gets angry when confused, trust me, I get it. Don’t fight what confuses you. Question it.
Strong, but prideful…
We already have a special word for people who can’t admit when they are wrong. We call them terrorists. We measure everyone we meet spiritually regardless of whether it’s business or social. We use a scale of humility to judge the people around us, especially if we don’t know them. Everyone you meet will put you in one of the following three categories: humble, honorable, or prideful. This is the reason why people test you with aggression or nonsensical pranks. They want to see who you are when you’re in a jam. If your ego is easily bruised, you immediately become less impressive.
Our sense of pride is typically the source of many afflictions that cut our deliberations short. Pride and honor can be difficult to tell apart. Honor is aggression where pride is belligerence. Both could get you killed, but one guarantees it. Prideful individuals dismiss any guidance they may receive. They are willfully unintelligent. They see no reason to strategize. Prideful individuals call for humility. They reek of irony. Everyone loves it when the cocky poser gets what he deserves. Prideful individuals are spiritually fragile due to the constant lies they tell themselves. Prideful people are full of hope. Prideful people are liabilities. Make sure everyone on your team understands this.
It is usually better to be humble than prideful. But too much humility makes you blind to your strength. If someone is too humble, they won’t fight back until they have lost far too much. There may be a few of you reading this that are suffering from a fear of conflict. For those of you who are, it may be hard to accept. First, let’s give your dog a better name. You are agreeable. It’s the same thing, but it’s easier to admit. If you are agreeable, you are afflicted. You lack the courage to be disliked. Remember that love remains even if favor temporarily fades. A disagreeable person is the same as an honorable person. As long as the best result is your focus, fight your hardest.
Being disagreeable is different than being combative. A disagreeable person can be convinced. A combative person will die on their hill. It’s the same contrast between being honorable and prideful. An agreeable individual would make an excellent employee, but a disagreeable person would make a better addition to your family. Any system that does not value honorable people is destined to crumble. Surrounding yourself with flatterers and fools will make you prideful. The moment you run out of ideas, they will abandon you.
If you are prideful, you will fight to the death. If you are humble, you will appease the challenger. If you are honorable, you would start asking questions. Humility tempers the spirit. It’s easier to work your way up to honorable from a humble beginning. Prideful individuals typically need to be humbled before becoming honorable as they are incapable of humbling themselves. The ego will remain honorable depending on your tolerance to fear. If crippled by fear, you will show humility. If propelled by fear, you will show pride. If you are honorable, you proceed with caution. The more dysfunctional you are, the less honorable you are likely to be. Dysfunctional people have no counter to fear. Once challenged, they’ll either become cowards or terrorists.
It’s normal to be afraid of shame. That’s if your reputation means anything to you. However, the fear of being wrong is quite silly if you stop to think about it for a second. Being wrong is only humbling to the prideful. Being wrong is no different than making a discovery. Why would you deny a discovery? Not only is it stupid, it’s dishonorable. When you can admit that you don’t know something, you are being honorable.
Recalibrating
Recalibrating yourself begins with admitting that you don’t know something. Curiosity keeps you aware of the possibility of being wrong. But transparency is what allows you to freely accept the fact that you were wrong. Remember, the more you lie, the weaker you become. It is possible to recalibrate in motion, but the preferred method is taking a brief second to collect your thoughts, perhaps at home or in one of your sanctuaries. You want as little outside influence on your decision-making as possible. You should recalibrate yourself multiple times a day. This stops you from rushing around and burning yourself out. You are using your time to get the most out of your energy. Each time you recalibrate, you must reserve the right to change your mind. If you are tunnel-visioned, you will be out of ideas once foiled.
Once you get better at recalibrating yourself, you could help to recalibrate others. There are multiple styles of conversation. In fact, it will be the focus of most of our social meditations. For now, we are focusing solely on negotiations because it is paramount to your occupational success. Each conversation type can be categorized in 2 ways: Dialoguing and monologuing. Monologuing follows an “I talk, you listen” dynamic. It’s a straight line. You can think of lectures or interrogations as premium examples. Dialoguing follows more of a figure 8 pattern. “I talk, you listen, you talk, I listen.” One category is better suited for learning than the other.
In a monologue, one of you is superior, or at least one of you assumes that. Monologues leave no space for challenges. If you question someone during a monologue, they will only permit questions that will allow the monologue to continue. Monologues are typically boring, especially if the monologue is about oneself. No one has the patience for a boring conversation. To convince someone to change their position, its much easier to begin with what makes them right instead of the other way around. A negotiation is much more than just listening. You also have to ensure that the other person is listening to you. A negotiation is a dialogue, not a monologue.
Prideful individuals fall into self-righteous monologuing all the time. This would normally cue the other person to run a self-righteous monologue of their own. Or even more insulting, they will only half-listen with a glazed look in the eye; basically, just waiting for you to shut up and go away. Prideful monologuing is good for sparking debates. However, a debate requires an audience, a debate requires that one side is wrong. Neither side will try to understand the other because the dumber you act the smarter you’ll pretend to be. Each side believes they are at least smarter than the person they are against. A debate is technically a dialogue, but it has no place in business. Progress isn’t the point of a debate. If you sense that your dialogue is becoming a debate, work to change it into a negotiation.
Dialoguing and Monologuing
Negotiations have opening questions. Debates have opening statements. A thoughtful question can hijack a monologue. To begin a negotiation, try asking your opponent’s thoughts on a matter. Something that has to do with the past would work wonders. Before entering a dialogue, it would help to have some background information on the other person. You wouldn’t want to ask about the wrong things. Everything you ask needs to lead to the next important topic. Once negotiations begin, chatter stops. Don’t interrupt your opponent unless they’re making too many points in their argument. Each side needs to be able to bounce off of each other. That’s easier to accomplish when each side is sure of what the other is talking about. To ensure this result, take a brief second to recap what the other person said before getting your point across and asking another question.
When you make too many points during an argument, you are monologuing. Talking too much. Your argument is only as strong as its weakest statement. If you made three good points and one nonsensical one, you leave yourself open to a debate tactic known as the “straw-man attack.” Your opponent would hyperfocus on the ridiculous thing you said to invalidate everything else you said. Resist the urge to straw-man your opponents because the dumber you make them look, the smarter they’ll pretend to be. Instead, try strengthening the points you agree with. Opening with validation will keep the opponent quiet while you get your point across. If you must point out a flaw in your opponent’s logic, do it in question format. Don’t just tell them about themselves. This opposite way of attacking an argument is a common ground tactic known as the “steel-man defense.”
There is no negotiation without common ground. Even terrorist like it when someone listens to them. It’s kind of the point of their actions, after all. Listen to others without inserting yourself into the conversation. You have to speak to the opposition like you have the utmost respect for whatever decision they make. More than that, you have to show them that you trust them to make the right choice. People can sense when you are manipulating them. You are only supposed to manipulate those you cannot trust. The only way to establish trust is through trusting the other first. Ask how they see the current issue. Listen for what they might be afraid of. This would be one of those times to establish empathy. Show them that they aren’t the only ones who are afraid of what might happen next. When you see someone in pain, you sympathize. When someone is afraid, you empathize. The natural question that follows should be, “Now what are we going to do?”
Recalibrating others
Conflict resolution is all about getting the other side to rethink their position. Violence is rarely ever necessary. Conflict resolution is not a talent. It’s a complex skill that must be taught. It can be learned autonomously, but if you are not fortunate enough to find a proper mentor, it will take years to master. Conflict has a negative connotation, but the absence of conflict is what it means to be pacified. You cannot allow this to happen either. When time is short, it is tempting to use force to coerce your opponent. In matters of life and death, you might just have to do that. In every other case, you shouldn’t. Forcing a change in someone could damage their psyche significantly. Then you’ll have another problem.
Get better at delivering uncomfortable truths. There’s an art to it. For those of you who fear conflict, start with practicing all of the different ways you could say “no” to someone. I know it sounds dumb, but people don’t actually care about the truth until they can relate to it. Word choices, the messenger, presentation, all of that matters more than the actual truth of the message. It can be maddening. It feels like one of those times that you look around and realized, you’re one of the only people at the party who’s not coked to the gills. Work on how you get your point across. At the very least, work on making yourself perfectly clear. Make your point, dismiss anything that could get misconstrued, reserve the right to be wrong, and have a plan just in case you are wrong.
We will cover negotiations in full detail in the next segment. For now, I will close this one with a reminder that we must reserve the right to change our minds. For our own sakes. Some of us wait until they are elderly to finally become open-minded. Keeping an open mind can be difficult to do. Especially once our minds are made up about something. It’s possible that you are wrong and are wasting precious time. But which situation sounds more frustrating? Wasting the past 10 years of your life? Or wasting the next 10 years? The future is unpredictable, so one shouldn’t speak of the future with certainty. Certainty kills curiosity, which ends learning. Once you stop learning, bordem and depression eventually settle in. Make recalibrating yourself a new habit so that you can remain sure of what it is that you want out of life.
References and photos
Think again – Adam Grant
Dragonball – Akira Toriyama