“What is this magic requirement? Just this: a deep driving desire to learn, a vigorous determination to increase your ability to deal with people.”
– Dale Carnegie.
A Lesson in Intellectual and Social Wellness…
As an Amazon Affiliate it is policy to inform you that this is an advertisement. However, this is still a reflection of a great book that I’ve read many times over. I believe it would benefit any who may read it. You can find the link for it in my references located at the bottom of this page.
Warfare is only necessary when nothing else works. Only the people on top of the world can afford war, and they didn’t get there by being stupid and lucky. The first thing each of your idols realized was just how little they knew.
Proficiency may be important, but you are imperfect. You can’t do everything alone; I guarantee it’s impossible. You are only right half the time at best. You will eventually need the help of others to get things done. Because that’s what matters, getting things done.
You can only achieve greater heights through teamwork, and the key to sustaining teamwork is outstanding leadership.
But how do you make people want to follow you?
What have you done to make people want to follow you?
That’s the first thing you need to put real thought into…
(The Sharingan from “Naruto”)
Feeling the power?
So, you’ve finally become convinced of your value, oh what a time to be alive! Knowing your place in the world is the ultimate freedom. You feel like the world’s main character. But that’s the big issue…
…Knowing your place in the world…
Watch what you call special. Everyone is a main character. Any bonehead can become good at something. It’s no secret that you can do whatever you put your mind to. Anybody could be you. Be glad that your parents weren’t dogs. Be happy that you were ALLOWED to be in the position you are in. Before we can talk about tolerance, you must realize that you are tolerated more than you think. Getting over yourself is not an easy thing to do. I will explain the process best I can.
You understand the first part well enough. You must become good enough at a skill to hold a conversation about it with other professionals. You must have demonstrated your ability and enthusiasm long before you opened your mouth. Faking it skillfully is “charm.” Charms can be broken, however. Your energy must be genuine if it’s going to last. This is called “charisma.” It is impossible to fake.
(When keeping it real goes wrong from “Chappelle’s Show”)
Respect and Gratitude goes far.
Validation is what everyone wants. The average bonehead is only concerned with their opinion on the matter. Everyone you meet is going to think they are better than you in some capacity. They are most likely right. You have to get over that. You have to respect these qualities that these people have spent their entire lives and fortunes developing. A good way to lose someone’s favor is to tell them their existence is a waste. They will think they are not needed anyway and not support you. Or worse, they’ll use those exact skills to bring you down. Ultimately, your time will be wasted.
There is a way to ensure you don’t grievously disrespect your team or potential team members. Always remember to begin with respect and end with gratitude. This works with partnerships, relationships, dynamics, and even spared enemies. If you can keep this up at all times, you can bypass any boss.
On the subject of bosses vs. leaders, I’m sure you at least understand the difference between these two types of winners. Instead of new information, I’ll provide a unique insight. At this point, I have spoken at length about watching your words, articulating clearly, and communication being the key to success. I will continue to add on by warning you not to talk too much.
Talking too much.
Now, before you focus too hard on being silent, remember that any bonehead can be quiet. It’s no secret that silence is golden. People speak to be listened to. If you aren’t taking an interest in what people are saying, how do you expect people to take an interest in what you have to say? You can say very little, and STILL talk too much. I’ll break down how easy it can be to accomplish this blunder.
The easiest way to accomplish talking too much is by making unnecessary statements. How many times have you seen someone powerful get canceled because they said something stupid? People make unnecessary statements if they aren’t already attractive. You aren’t attractive if you aren’t helping anyone with your skills. Questions are more helpful than statements. Questions help the listener think for themselves. This is the key to influence. Your questions should guide quietly. Don’t fill the airspace talking about what you want people to do. Questions control the narrative. A statement is talking too much. Learn when to shut up.
The most common way to accomplish talking too much and irritating your listener is to speak on something of which you have no knowledge. Have you ever referred to someone or something with the wrong name? Do you ever find yourself speaking to the wrong audience? Sure, you can charm your way through the door. If the charm doesn’t break, it will become repetitive and stagnate. Repetition is talking too much. Charisma can bring everything together. Charm is generic charisma. It may look the same, but time and results expose the difference.
More on charm. Don’t flatter the listener. Flattery is telling the listener what they already tell themselves every day. Flattery is telling the listeners what other people tell them every day. Flattery is what YOU think the listener wants to hear. Flattery is charm-speak. Flattery is talking too much. Combine that with repetition, it feels more like a satire than a drama. Find something about them that you genuinely respect. Build upon that and end with gratitude.
(Sakura and Naruto Running gag from “Naruto & Naruto Shippuden”)
How you probably should move.
On drama. Being overly dramatic is a special form of talking too much. The more private the discussion, the more powerful your words will become. The moment you put someone on blast, you are talking too much. Do you think embarrassing someone will make them align with you willingly? You’ll have a back full of daggers and a chest full of arrows the moment you make a mistake. Not to say, never get dramatic. Using drama at key moments is the mark of mastery in the leadership role.
You understand what I’m saying now. Words are powerful. A boss speaks about what he wants first. A leader never speaks about what he wants. Keep your ultimate goal a secret, no matter how pure the intention. Accomplishment of your ultimate goal is for your quiet satisfaction only. Now you know how a leader should speak. But what about action?
So, your team made a mistake, right? Who could’ve seen that coming? I mean, you’re so perfect. How could an extension of you be any less so? You never made a mistake on your path to excellence. You always made straight-As in school and never had a bad day in your life. How dare these simpletons get such easy work wrong! What’s their problem, right?
You need to be the change you want to see on the team. Again, charisma is the demonstration of skill and enthusiasm long before words are spoken. Like game, you either have it or you don’t. If you can’t remain present, it’ll never click. It’s based on everything you have learned up to the present, and you have to be okay with being wrong. There always has to be something next. You have to be sure you can figure that out. Do you want the key to confidence? Let me break that last part down slowly.
(Jack and Barbossa’s competition from “Pirates of the Caribbean”)
Leadership standard.
You have to be sure you can figure it out. That doesn’t mean that you must be right all the time. In fact, you can very well be wrong most of the time and still be an excellent leader. The ability to learn is what separated you from the boneheads in the first place. You should show your team how to do just that. You need to be able to forgive yourself for mistakes. If possible, you must be the first to admit your mistakes. You’ll be harsh with others if you are harsh with yourself. This scares people. People lie to survive. If they feel they are going to be punished for a mistake, they will cover it up. Only traitors deserve execution. Punishment only suppresses bad behavior. It never corrects it. Make every mistake you see, a teachable moment. Getting over yourself makes finding the solution more important than being correct.
Oh, how fun it is being correct! You were correct about your value, right? You are on a different level than the others, and you deserve some respect and gratitude. You are so different from everyone else. Everyone should just give you support, right? Now you know better. Any bonehead can be correct. It’s no secret that knowledge is power. So, what if you are right? People don’t care what you know until they know that you care. This sounds a lot like empathy, correct? That’s technically not what I’m talking about
I’m actually speaking of sympathy. No one seems to realize how much they actually hate empathy. How could you possibly relate to this person’s unique problem? Empathy is putting yourself in another person’s shoes, correct? Yes, empathy is important for deliberations. In actual practice, you must operate with sympathy. When using empathy, the question “What would I do if I were you?” Naturally comes up. This leads to unwanted advice and unneeded charity. It leads to expectations you shouldn’t have. Empathy is giving in to emotion. Sympathy is emotion in check. If you are operating from empathy, excuse yourself and give yourself time to switch back to sympathetic. You are not getting over yourself when you use empathy.
(The Wellness Wheel)
Get over yourself.
Let’s get something clear about accountability. No one has it. No one likes to admit that they have done something wrong. This whole post has been about getting over yourself. It’s not an easy thing to do. It’s not easy holding other people accountable. It’s not an easy thing to continue once you’ve started. But that is leadership. You don’t get to clock out. People remember disrespect forever, right? It goes the other way around. More than what you have provided, people will remember the respect you gave them. Years after you have forgotten about it. It’s a cold and competitive world. That’s all the more reason you must never fail to be a heat source.
Why should someone follow you? Think very close about that. Do people feel validated in your presence? Is helping you the same thing as helping themselves? Can you see the value in others? Can you get over yourself? If you can’t answer these questions yourself, you may not have what it takes.
Remember to do yourselves a favor by grabbing a copy of “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” by Dale Carnegie. It’s a book you should read more than once in your life if you are truly trying to learn how to make waves. It’s one of the easiest books to pretend you’ve read. Don’t be that person!
References and Photos.
“How to win friends and Influence People.” – Dale Carnegie,
“Naruto” – Masashi Kishimoto,
“Chappelle’s Show” – Dave Chappelle,
“Pirates of the Carribean” – Disney Studios.